The slow pull of a whisper’s fade
writing dreams across my mind’s sky
not yet fully seen
until reflected in the soft spill of soul
becoming reality
in the slow exhale of
belief
November 15, 2012 by flightsofamagicalbird
The slow pull of a whisper’s fade
writing dreams across my mind’s sky
not yet fully seen
until reflected in the soft spill of soul
becoming reality
in the slow exhale of
belief
I love the beginning here, such a great line. I’m going to take a risk (it feels risky as so few people really give crit – which I think is a shame). But you have posted several poems and seem to be trying to develop that form.
This is all just my stuff – so just add it to your list of things people have said 🙂
For me poetry is about finding beautiful ways of saying things, or new ways of saying old things. Words like heart, soul and love must be used carefully, as they have been so often used before. When a poem has been written I always ask, is there a cliche in there. Is it essential, or is there a new way of saying it – or better, can it be not said at all. For example – to re-write your piece :
The slow pull of a whispers fade
writing across my sky
still eclipsed
until reflected in the soft spill of becoming
in the slow exhale
of belief
It’s just my opinion, but this has more power because it doesn’t use the obvious ‘dreams’ or ‘soul’ – which I think only dilute your brilliant lines (originally (1) (4) (567))
Hope that feels constructive and not critical 🙂
RoS
**Smiling** Thank you so much for your input. You are absolutely correct. I began writing micropoetry about a year and a half ago on twitter and started the blog to try to write longer pieces and more personal stories, essays etc… I love your revision, it is less obvious and enhances the mystery of the first line. Thank you for taking the risk and sharing your thoughts with me. 🙂
Glad it worked for you. I change my comment prompt occasionally – to encourage crit, but as yet no-one dares (perhaps I’m perfect! ;))
Perhaps…. 😉
Now… just because you encourage “crit”, or perhaps anything else that with it might so rhyme, does not mean I must! However, in just this one case, I believe I will also “take the risk:” I must here state that–although it may well be true that “nobody is perfect”–I find your original to be far superior to the altered version suggested. And for two reasons which I will explain below.
Although Robert Browning suggested that it was the virtue of poetry to be obscure, and obfuscatory–and I am paraphrasing here, as is my wont in using grey matter rather than Google–it should be remembered that he was, in fact, joking when he made this assertion.
By this, I suggest that making ones meaning unascertainable is not an improvement, even if it improves, for example, the overall sound of a piece–which the suggested revision, also does not accomplish in any significant way.
I might have seen some reason in the suggestion perhaps of the removal of the indefinite article in the first line; however such would put the piece out of balance with the fourth line.
Also, the suggested revision does not trip as lightly off the tongue when read aloud, and, as well, causes the line breaks to become irrelevant, as a replacement for breath, punctuation, etc, and as an aid to reading–as well as mentation.
Also, as I’m fond of pointing out: Be careful what you encourage. If you are an aspiring writer, this logically implies that your peers have questionable credentials. (as well as intentions and motivations,though they may be genuine, the nature of which there are no ready means whereby you may easily ascertain these)
Qualified critics, include successful writers–successful in all ways–otherwise they engage in mere speculation, and–by virtue of the fact that they do write, and therefore, do read with an eye to writing–their view of what they read is necessarily, and predictably, skewed (and, I include myself in this category, as well)
But even more important–much much much more important–are readers who do not write, have no hidden aspirations to write, but just enjoy reading what one has written. Only they can give reliably unskewed information regarding what is clear (to them) or not, or what is beautiful (to them) or not; and, unless you intend your audience to be among aspiring writers alone, this is very, very important information.
You have, I feel, an enviable gift with words, Take great care, lest you allow it to be watered down, diluted by those whose intentions, and abilities, and in fact, identities, you cannot know.
Thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful replies. When I sit to write, I find I am mostly trying to transcribe a feeling, an emotion that bubbles on my skin from somewhere deep. To me, it is less about meter, rhyme or vocabulary and more about a translation of of what I am receiving in hopes that the reader can feel it too based on not my experience but perhaps one of their own to give it proper life. I look at the previous critique not so much as a criticism, but as an insight as to how words move him. Many times I read poetry of others and feel a cleverness to the words, and while I appreciate the art, I find it lacks the emotion. Then with others, they can turn a flashing traffic light into a work of art that can my breath away. Your replies here to me are a beautiful gift. I am humbled by your comments. Thank you so much for reading, responding and following my blog.
Also, one might suggest that consistency in the manner in which you use your line-breaks, might indicate the final preposition be moved to the last line. This also might assist, rather than interrupt the flow of reading; however, poetry is also a visual medium as well as auditory, and there is, I feel, something elegant about a final word alone–particularly in this case.
I have asked several colleges here to read your work aloud, and none of them have had the least bit of trouble regarding the final line-break. In fairness, one of them is an aspiring writer, however the other two are not.
Also, I found very interesting, that all three thought your original was the better version, although I did not disclose to any of them, which was which.
Also, even more interesting, although of marginal utility, is the comment of the young man who is the aspiring writer, and who is also a high functioning autistic. (and, to be fair, not the average reader, by any measure) His comment (written to me, even though his desk sits just behind mine) was “The [revision] might be smoother visually. Although not auditorily. And definitely not kinesthetically. Also, [in the revision] the pattern is broken, which kinda bothers me.” (and when he uses the word “bothers,” he means it in a way most of us cannot begin to understand)
I often struggle with line breaks, reading aloud the poem several times and making revisions accordingly. I do like “belief” sitting there on its own, and yet when I read the 6th line, it seems disjointed, albeit temporarily. Thank you again for reading and for not only sharing my poem with others, but sharing it with me. I appreciate it greatly.
Since you are accepting revisions 😉
The slow pull of a whisper’s fade,
Incense dreams across the azure cloak –
An echo’s shadow
Spills silver into mind’s crevice
Dripping from real’s womb
The slow exhale of belief.
Beautiful as always ….
I keep coming back to read this, I am drawn to it.
Thank you so much, I am glad that it spoke you too.
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well, to me the poem is beautiful just the way it is. just like you ❤
Thank you Caroline…
Thank you Caroline…
to all above, especially David and ROS I see a very respectful conversation about the power of poetry and ways to make it more powerful and meaningful and I am glad to see you all participating in such enlightened and good spirited conversation.
Peace Love and Poetry!
Cliff
This is an amazing piece, Heidi. Very amazing. From the title to the last word, it just all works.
Thank you so much!
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